So.. it's that time again. Except this year it's a little different. I'm spending it at home, instead of at Home (if that makes sense). And there is little money to be had.
Jobs are scarce, and even more so if you can't even handle interviews, though I would LOVE to have even one right now. This recession has forced me to think of the bigger picture, to open my eyes and see what I can actually do with my life, other than pour John Smiths for smelly old men, and reject advances from toothless reprobates with the mental age of around 12. Which is why I'm going to make an appointment with a disability employment advisor (though with my difficulty in pronouncing words with more than 3 syllables, it will be a little tricky). I only hope they can help me in this time of need - after all, they get funding, so where is it going?
Anyway, aside from that, all is well in the land of Emily. I have healthy lively animals, two of which are getting neutered on 5th January as they are discovering that their sister is a GIRL. Three of which are going to lovely homes (hopefully), so we will be left with six, which is manageable! Then in the new year we can get the three girls done, and they can sod off outside whenever they so desire - hopefully not at 5 in the morning, as that would start to get annoying! Things are OK with the bearded woman, though getting him to do anything other than make tea and sleep is a load of stress and shouting! Serves me right for choosing an aspergic mind to go out with, I suppose.
People keep showing me scans of foetuses, which is making my hormones scream! I think I might just be fed up, as nothing seems to be happening in my life at the moment, and I want something nice to happen. Not particularly babies, but just SOMETHING. I don't want any more cats, and I don't particularly want a new person to go out with, or even any new friends as I'm happy with those I have. I don't know what I want.
I'm in self-destructive mode again, causing ructions when there needn't be. I know I'm doing it though, so I can moderate my behaviour. It's getting annoying though. I've been waiting on this counselling shit for four months now, and what would've happened if I needed it in the first place? I probably would've killed myself by now, and how good would that have looked on the front page - "Autistic girl kills self after being delayed counselling". I just want to sit down and say I didn't ask for this in the first place, as I already KNOW my issues, and that wasn't the problem anyway. My problems are purely sensory, and I can't cope with the panic attacks or the stress of putting my mask on. I need to be able to calm down, which I can't. No wonder there's a history of ppl with ASD's dying from heart attacks.
But yeah, everything's fine. Here's hoping Christmas will come and go, without any drama or crap from any side. Bring on 2009. It'd better be better than this.
Tuesday, 23 December 2008
Tuesday, 7 October 2008
My Day Off
Started off the day with smelling cat poo from one of the baby kittens shitting in the corner of the bedroom. Not the best start, I'm sure you would agree. And who is this "you" anyway, a wizard? A figment of my imagination? Probably an imaginary friend. I never had one when I was little, might not be too late to create one, I guess.
It's raining. It pretty much always does when I'm off work. It was sunny yesterday for a few hours, but I worked that duration. Lovely. Fucking hate life today.
I have to tidy up. I will have to do the washing up (maybe some washing too.. running out of clothes), and maybe do some vaccuum cleaning *shudder*. On the bright side (it's certainly not the other side of the window), I have downloaded a bunch of new albums to listen through and determine whether they're shit or not.
The biggest thing I missed when we moved was the internet. Never mind the countless hours we spent without a TV or a playstation. No. It was the internet that hurt the most. It has been my longest running obsession/addiction. When my mum and dad split up, my mum decided to buy a computer and we had a 14kb modem, that we stuck into the phone line. We had a piece of software on the computer which acted as an answermachine! I loved it! We got loads of disks with it too, with games on - Madeline (lol), Fade To Grey, and Sesame Street are the ones that come to mind. And we went on whichever websites didn't take an age to load, and it was awesome. I was 9, I think. So that'll be 12 years pretty much solid internet. I remember when we had a 28kb modem.. and then we got a 56kb "fun" modem.. which was green and translucent. That was awesome. I was on it so much that my mum just ended up getting broadband when that came out. I downloaded Kazaa, and stole music. When was that.. I think I was 14, close to 15 maybe? I got into Black Sabbath and the like. I then got Kazaa Lite because I was informed that it was quicker and less buggy, and found there was a chatroom. I'd been in a lot of chatrooms during my days on the 56k, so I decided to give it a shot. I was an obnoxious little madam! But I started making friends of those who were as obnoxious as I was, and it was a brand new experience. At this point I was doing my GCSE's, and probably shouldn't have been on the computer so much, but I did it anyway. My friends at school had started to get to know me a bit, and that's usually where the friendship ends. I am ok at making friends, but maintaining those friendships I have no clue about. I didn't know that I should contact them if I wanted to go out, and I had no reason to know, as they usually came to my door asking. I didn't like ringing ppl, and I still don't, and that was my downfall. So, my friendships with ppl were breaking down, but I had this brand new set of friends (mainly from America as I have terrible sleeping patterns and was always up until they were going to bed anyway), and so I delved deeper. Because I was so upset about my "RL" friends basically dumping me, I went into my shell. I lived for IRC. I was there more than the operators were, and I loved every minute of it. One time I actually stayed up for three days straight on it. I don't think my mother was very happy about it. In fact, I'm pretty sure she worried like hell, but I know this now, and didn't realise before that my actions affected others. I wasn't diagnosed at this point. But back to point, yeah, I did the IRC thing. I was almost late for my Business Studies exam (no point in going anyway, I only got a D) because I was on IRC. But that summer was great, the sun shone outside, and don't get me wrong, I didn't just look at it whilst indoors. When ppl were working or at school or sleeping on that timestealing server, I sunbathed with music I downloaded from K-Lite playing through the patio doors, and I loved it.
Even now, I am on IRC. I have made friends and closer on that thing in the past 6 years, and I think it's going to continue.
I tidied up. I used the vacuum cleaner.. uurgh. Now IRC and television. Woohoo!
It's raining. It pretty much always does when I'm off work. It was sunny yesterday for a few hours, but I worked that duration. Lovely. Fucking hate life today.
I have to tidy up. I will have to do the washing up (maybe some washing too.. running out of clothes), and maybe do some vaccuum cleaning *shudder*. On the bright side (it's certainly not the other side of the window), I have downloaded a bunch of new albums to listen through and determine whether they're shit or not.
The biggest thing I missed when we moved was the internet. Never mind the countless hours we spent without a TV or a playstation. No. It was the internet that hurt the most. It has been my longest running obsession/addiction. When my mum and dad split up, my mum decided to buy a computer and we had a 14kb modem, that we stuck into the phone line. We had a piece of software on the computer which acted as an answermachine! I loved it! We got loads of disks with it too, with games on - Madeline (lol), Fade To Grey, and Sesame Street are the ones that come to mind. And we went on whichever websites didn't take an age to load, and it was awesome. I was 9, I think. So that'll be 12 years pretty much solid internet. I remember when we had a 28kb modem.. and then we got a 56kb "fun" modem.. which was green and translucent. That was awesome. I was on it so much that my mum just ended up getting broadband when that came out. I downloaded Kazaa, and stole music. When was that.. I think I was 14, close to 15 maybe? I got into Black Sabbath and the like. I then got Kazaa Lite because I was informed that it was quicker and less buggy, and found there was a chatroom. I'd been in a lot of chatrooms during my days on the 56k, so I decided to give it a shot. I was an obnoxious little madam! But I started making friends of those who were as obnoxious as I was, and it was a brand new experience. At this point I was doing my GCSE's, and probably shouldn't have been on the computer so much, but I did it anyway. My friends at school had started to get to know me a bit, and that's usually where the friendship ends. I am ok at making friends, but maintaining those friendships I have no clue about. I didn't know that I should contact them if I wanted to go out, and I had no reason to know, as they usually came to my door asking. I didn't like ringing ppl, and I still don't, and that was my downfall. So, my friendships with ppl were breaking down, but I had this brand new set of friends (mainly from America as I have terrible sleeping patterns and was always up until they were going to bed anyway), and so I delved deeper. Because I was so upset about my "RL" friends basically dumping me, I went into my shell. I lived for IRC. I was there more than the operators were, and I loved every minute of it. One time I actually stayed up for three days straight on it. I don't think my mother was very happy about it. In fact, I'm pretty sure she worried like hell, but I know this now, and didn't realise before that my actions affected others. I wasn't diagnosed at this point. But back to point, yeah, I did the IRC thing. I was almost late for my Business Studies exam (no point in going anyway, I only got a D) because I was on IRC. But that summer was great, the sun shone outside, and don't get me wrong, I didn't just look at it whilst indoors. When ppl were working or at school or sleeping on that timestealing server, I sunbathed with music I downloaded from K-Lite playing through the patio doors, and I loved it.
Even now, I am on IRC. I have made friends and closer on that thing in the past 6 years, and I think it's going to continue.
I tidied up. I used the vacuum cleaner.. uurgh. Now IRC and television. Woohoo!
Thursday, 25 September 2008
RIP Greebo
Well he died after our second attempt at feeding.. just didn't swallow the stuff, instead inhaled. We found this out by trying to rub him warm and saw milk come out of his nose. Hope I didn't drown him; he was very weak and wasn't even crying anymore.
Don't really know how I feel about it; logically, he was only a day old and probably was going to die anyway, but I think my emotions are fighting the logic on this one. I don't know how I "should" feel, which is more the point. Never had a death in the family.. wasn't there when my rabbits had to be put down, and the first litter Twilight had where one of them died was the last to be born and it was 4 hours after the first two.. think he just died before being born. So he wasn't alive when I saw him. I actually held this one, felt it suckling my finger, cried for Mummy.. kinda blows.
Trying to look on the bright side - we now have fewer kittens, albeit only one, so after Christmas-ish we'll only(!) have seven. Going to get them all done at some point in time so they can just go outside. If they want to come back, they are free to do so, and vice-versa. I like my little fluff bugs, even if some of them aren't little anymore.
Watched Juno and thought it was quite a cute film; just to my taste. Still wish I'd been brought up in America. But then I think of how I would be like if I had been, and whether I'd be the same or similar to how I am now. This is ignoring the obvious, like I would never have met Zachary (or I might have, given the number of Americans I know on IRC. I could have gone to uni over here and met him anyway, in the same way as I did). I don't know what I'd be like.. maybe a little more cynical, or less? Can't really be that much more cynical about the world and everything that's in it than I am now, surely. I might be happier.. or maybe that's the wrong word for it. Nah, I know what I'd probably be like. I'd be on so many behavioural drugs I wouldn't feel a thing. Would I be a better person if I didn't have my massive lows, or indeed my "wappy" phases? Would I function better in life and work and social situations if I didn't have my stresses? Would I have been diagnosed earlier and get a better education with learning mentors and the like? I just don't know.
This always goes through my mind when I watch modern teenage American films/television. Just like when I watch Lord Of The Rings and I want to be there.
So, in conclusion, let me list my cats, in name and age order, and family status:
Don't really know how I feel about it; logically, he was only a day old and probably was going to die anyway, but I think my emotions are fighting the logic on this one. I don't know how I "should" feel, which is more the point. Never had a death in the family.. wasn't there when my rabbits had to be put down, and the first litter Twilight had where one of them died was the last to be born and it was 4 hours after the first two.. think he just died before being born. So he wasn't alive when I saw him. I actually held this one, felt it suckling my finger, cried for Mummy.. kinda blows.
Trying to look on the bright side - we now have fewer kittens, albeit only one, so after Christmas-ish we'll only(!) have seven. Going to get them all done at some point in time so they can just go outside. If they want to come back, they are free to do so, and vice-versa. I like my little fluff bugs, even if some of them aren't little anymore.
Watched Juno and thought it was quite a cute film; just to my taste. Still wish I'd been brought up in America. But then I think of how I would be like if I had been, and whether I'd be the same or similar to how I am now. This is ignoring the obvious, like I would never have met Zachary (or I might have, given the number of Americans I know on IRC. I could have gone to uni over here and met him anyway, in the same way as I did). I don't know what I'd be like.. maybe a little more cynical, or less? Can't really be that much more cynical about the world and everything that's in it than I am now, surely. I might be happier.. or maybe that's the wrong word for it. Nah, I know what I'd probably be like. I'd be on so many behavioural drugs I wouldn't feel a thing. Would I be a better person if I didn't have my massive lows, or indeed my "wappy" phases? Would I function better in life and work and social situations if I didn't have my stresses? Would I have been diagnosed earlier and get a better education with learning mentors and the like? I just don't know.
This always goes through my mind when I watch modern teenage American films/television. Just like when I watch Lord Of The Rings and I want to be there.
So, in conclusion, let me list my cats, in name and age order, and family status:
- Twilight - 2 1/3 years
- Shakespeare - 1 1/3 years (Twilight's son)
- Sister - 1 1/3 years (Twilight's daughter)
- Tundra (Twilight's son, deceased at birth)
- Bernard - 5 months (Twilight's son)
- Grendel - 5 months (Twilight's son)
- Pennywise - 5 months (Twilight's daughter)
- Grey kitten yet to be named - 1 month (Sister's son, Twilight's grandson)
- Charcoal and white kitten yet to be named - 1 month (Sister's son, Twilight's grandson)
- Vanilli - possibly, according to family he's going to - 1 day (Twilight's son)
- Greebo (Twilight's son, deceased 24/09)
Wednesday, 24 September 2008
Felidae
Yesterday morning Twilight had her third litter: two boys I believe. Now, Twilight is a bit dumb. I say a bit, just to be nice. She decided that her daughter's kittens were hers too, and picked one up to put in the drawer she gave birth in (the one where all my skirts were.. now are ruined.. thanks twig). Cue a battle for milk.
Sister (Twig's daughter) had her babies 4 weeks ago, so they are chubby stubby cutiepies but with claws that can rip. These claws ripped one of her newborns, and we could see skull. Not really knowing what we could do, we went to the vets. She gave us the option of putting it down, or she could see if she could glue the skin together and put him on antibiotics. There was no way I wasn't gonna give the poor guy a chance. So, £47 later we now have a glued-up kitten. Twilight started rejecting, either because of the smell due to the vet or he was simply cold and weak. Either way, we spent hours warming him up and trying to get him to latch on. It worked, and he was fine when I left for work today.
When I came back, I went up to see how the little guy was, and saw one of the fat kittens in the drawer, with tiny black kitten in the corner weak and cold! Bloody Twilight! So for the past few hours we've been playing surrogate, after trying to get him to latch on (think he was too weak), and he is now cuddled up on Zachary's belly.
Later on, we will try to reunite him with his mum, and be determined to keep the little kittens OUT of the bedroom! If that doesn't work, we will have to take it in turns through the night to feed him and keep him warm. Poor thing.
We are going to call him Greebo, after the Terry Pratchett Discworld cat, because if he survives he will have massive scars on his head and neck!
The other one is absolutely fine, and is going to our friends as a wedding/Christmas present, if they like him!
Today has been bizarre.. I started off in a really bad mood, not liking anything or anyone, and even came to shout at ppl at work because they were being arsey as well. Right now, I am worrying about Greebo and sitting here with two small kittens sleeping on each side, with a lard-arse Bernard on my lap in his normal position when I'm computer-ing. Grendel is sleeping on the arm of the sofa, whilst Shakespeare is sitting on the footstool doing his fake sleep thing. Greebo is sleeping on Zac's tummy while he plays on the PS3! Hopefully all will be well, and he'll survive, but things aren't positive today (at least in my mind).
Been trying to shake this negativity off in general, but it's really been hard today. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Fingers crossed, eh?
Sister (Twig's daughter) had her babies 4 weeks ago, so they are chubby stubby cutiepies but with claws that can rip. These claws ripped one of her newborns, and we could see skull. Not really knowing what we could do, we went to the vets. She gave us the option of putting it down, or she could see if she could glue the skin together and put him on antibiotics. There was no way I wasn't gonna give the poor guy a chance. So, £47 later we now have a glued-up kitten. Twilight started rejecting, either because of the smell due to the vet or he was simply cold and weak. Either way, we spent hours warming him up and trying to get him to latch on. It worked, and he was fine when I left for work today.
When I came back, I went up to see how the little guy was, and saw one of the fat kittens in the drawer, with tiny black kitten in the corner weak and cold! Bloody Twilight! So for the past few hours we've been playing surrogate, after trying to get him to latch on (think he was too weak), and he is now cuddled up on Zachary's belly.
Later on, we will try to reunite him with his mum, and be determined to keep the little kittens OUT of the bedroom! If that doesn't work, we will have to take it in turns through the night to feed him and keep him warm. Poor thing.
We are going to call him Greebo, after the Terry Pratchett Discworld cat, because if he survives he will have massive scars on his head and neck!
The other one is absolutely fine, and is going to our friends as a wedding/Christmas present, if they like him!
Today has been bizarre.. I started off in a really bad mood, not liking anything or anyone, and even came to shout at ppl at work because they were being arsey as well. Right now, I am worrying about Greebo and sitting here with two small kittens sleeping on each side, with a lard-arse Bernard on my lap in his normal position when I'm computer-ing. Grendel is sleeping on the arm of the sofa, whilst Shakespeare is sitting on the footstool doing his fake sleep thing. Greebo is sleeping on Zac's tummy while he plays on the PS3! Hopefully all will be well, and he'll survive, but things aren't positive today (at least in my mind).
Been trying to shake this negativity off in general, but it's really been hard today. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Fingers crossed, eh?
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