Christmas

So.. it's that time again. Except this year it's a little different. I'm spending it at home, instead of at Home (if that makes sense). And there is little money to be had.

Jobs are scarce, and even more so if you can't even handle interviews, though I would LOVE to have even one right now. This recession has forced me to think of the bigger picture, to open my eyes and see what I can actually do with my life, other than pour John Smiths for smelly old men, and reject advances from toothless reprobates with the mental age of around 12. Which is why I'm going to make an appointment with a disability employment advisor (though with my difficulty in pronouncing words with more than 3 syllables, it will be a little tricky). I only hope they can help me in this time of need - after all, they get funding, so where is it going?

Anyway, aside from that, all is well in the land of Emily. I have healthy lively animals, two of which are getting neutered on 5th January as they are discovering that their sister is a GIRL. Three of which are going to lovely homes (hopefully), so we will be left with six, which is manageable! Then in the new year we can get the three girls done, and they can sod off outside whenever they so desire - hopefully not at 5 in the morning, as that would start to get annoying! Things are OK with the bearded woman, though getting him to do anything other than make tea and sleep is a load of stress and shouting! Serves me right for choosing an aspergic mind to go out with, I suppose.

People keep showing me scans of foetuses, which is making my hormones scream! I think I might just be fed up, as nothing seems to be happening in my life at the moment, and I want something nice to happen. Not particularly babies, but just SOMETHING. I don't want any more cats, and I don't particularly want a new person to go out with, or even any new friends as I'm happy with those I have. I don't know what I want.

I'm in self-destructive mode again, causing ructions when there needn't be. I know I'm doing it though, so I can moderate my behaviour. It's getting annoying though. I've been waiting on this counselling shit for four months now, and what would've happened if I needed it in the first place? I probably would've killed myself by now, and how good would that have looked on the front page - "Autistic girl kills self after being delayed counselling". I just want to sit down and say I didn't ask for this in the first place, as I already KNOW my issues, and that wasn't the problem anyway. My problems are purely sensory, and I can't cope with the panic attacks or the stress of putting my mask on. I need to be able to calm down, which I can't. No wonder there's a history of ppl with ASD's dying from heart attacks.

But yeah, everything's fine. Here's hoping Christmas will come and go, without any drama or crap from any side. Bring on 2009. It'd better be better than this.