Danger zone averted

Went for my 12 week scan on Friday - it's so wriggly! I'm taking that as it's a happy little thing, which makes me happy myself. Must be doing a good job so far.

Had no sickness at all - guess I've been one of the lucky ones! Only things I have are bigger boobs and an expanding waistline. And a massive appetite.

My mum.. upset me, I guess.. she rang up and said she wanted to make me "aware" that this child "will" be autistic, and that I wont cope because it'll be a "disabled mum looking after a disabled child". So I didn't speak to her for three weeks. Just because I have Aspergers, and so does Zac, it doesn't mean the likelihood is concrete that our child will be autistic in any way. It's a higher percentage, sure, but it's not definite. And two dilute cases don't make a concentrated one - doesn't work like that! What upset me most of all was that she doesn't think I'll be able to cope, and this is coming from the person who is supposed to know me more than I know myself. I, for one, think I'll be a great mum simply because of my Aspergers - I wont get emotionally overwhelmed, worrying that my baby hates me because I can't stop it crying, because I can switch off emotion like a tap. I'm certainly not likely to just leave it in the middle of the street and walk off because it's crying too much. And if it does end up being on the spectrum, I would know first hand how to deal with that. And so would Zac. So she's talking out of her backside, and I don't want to subject my child to a family who will just watch it playing with blocks or something and go "aww, it's a shame isn't it".. UGH that would make me so mad, and I would be likely to leave on the spot.

When I did end up speaking to her again, I explained that I was going to give my dad a scan copy, and she went off on one going "oh he treated you like crap when you were little" - that's right Mum, when *I* was little. This one isn't even born yet, I have to give him a chance. And if he does mess up, then cut all ties, but I want to have a Grandad for my baby. And it's not like he's going to be seeing it all the time, unless he makes the effort to come to me. As my mum doesn't, it's entirely up to her when she gets to see her grandchild. I'm not going to be constantly travelling. It's not fair on me, Zac, or the baby.

Well that was a bit of a long rant. Anyway, I'm really looking forward to this, despite my mum's nay-saying!!

Positive

So... I'm pregnant! I don't think it has yet sunk in, but I'm only in my 6th week now; got plenty of time to get used to it! At the moment I'm trying not to move in case I throw up, as Zac is in the bathroom and I don't relish the idea of puking in the sink :P

I'm getting a few fears, as last time I was pregnant, it kinda went wrong and I lost it before even knowing I was. This was in the 6th week, so every cramp or spasm I have I'm quietly panicking to myself. The man keeps trying to reassure me, but my brain doesn't like to listen to reason when it's already decided!

I am dreading telling my mum, as I can almost picture her face now... dismay, worry, disappointment (I'm nearly 23, not 13, but try telling HER that). Told two of my friends, one of which hates kids with a passion, whose reaction was interesting to watch! Of course she is happy for me, but can't understand why I'm happy, but that's ok :)

Going to ring the doctor tomorrow to start the ball rolling... finding out on the Friday before bank holiday is a bitch!

Symptoms so far (christ it sounds like it's a disease):

• Large, heavy boobs (first sign, they were bigger than they usually are when I'm about to come on)
  
• Tiredness
• Extreme feelings of hunger if not eaten for a few hours
• Cramping and tightness
• slight nausea (only started today)
  

In contrast, today was a good day.

Went to see the office we'll be working in as volunteers for the CAAT (Community Adult Autism Team) and had a long discussion about how we're going to go about starting some social skills groups. Group 1 is the lower function group.. i.e. the ones who REALLY don't have a clue about how to deal with people, and group 2 is the higher function, i.e. the ones who manage to acquire friends and partners, but don't seem to get it right to prolong the relationships further than a few months, say.

I feel really confident and excited about this... it's about time something happened that was helpful in Doncaster for the adult autistics.

Maybe instead of starting my new year at 1st January (which was absolutely terrible), I should start it 1st of February.

I'm having a bad day.

Since I lost my job in May last year, I have been struggling to deal with having nothing to do in my life. At first, I was mesed up because my routine had changed. Appointments with tenancy workers, autism team, etc, helped with that a lot, but things still get delayed and I'm still waiting for this supposed "personal budget" that will allow me to have aids to manage a routine independently, as well as things that will improve my life.

Today was yet another day of ringing ppl to no avail. I am having problems with my words, noise, and temperature... pretty much everything is driving me mad. Building work next door has been going on since August, and I'm getting pretty sick of the noise. I need to move, but, as above, this "personal budget" was supposed to help with that.

Oh yes.. and in September Penny had FOUR kittens as we didn't have the money to get her done! Marvellous. One has gone to Lou, and it appears we are keeping the other three. Sister left the nest due to the building work noise (oh how I envy her), but still came back occasionally. However, the last time I saw her (last week), she didn't even respond to her name :( So I don't really know what to do about that. Cat number is at 11 if you include Sister, as we also found a kitten in our back garden looking scared and upset, and really not liking the wind.. he's adopted us. His name is Edison as he loves lightbulbs - every time he gets in the bedroom we find him curled up in one of the bedside lamps that has suspiciously been knocked on the floor. Hmm. We named the three of Penny's litter Apoptygma (Tyggie), Montgomery (Monty), and Enola Grey (Enola). TOO MANY CATS!!!!!!!

Gah. Motivation = 0. Stress levels = 7. Energy = 3. Mood = Ugh.